gotta get this out

as I have said before, my blog is somewhere where I can be myself and where I can write, which has become so therapeutic for me...I need to look back and see what I went through in my life. for my boys to see the good and the bad.

 

right now, I feel like i am suffocating. like i can't catch a breath.

i am on "go" from 7am-8:30pm without a seconds break. a lot of moms are. Its not easy.

last week was shitty. literally. all of us had a virus which wasn't fun.

I finally went to the dr to get blood drawn and have a physical. I was seriously hoping I was anemic so there would be an answer to my fatigue. results came back yesterday, and i am in great health. I was happy of course, but defeated because I seriously can hardly put one foot in front of the other around 3:00. guess I will stick with caffeine to get me through....

 

when I found out about putting Wyatt's tubes in another month of more, I again got down. I hate it. i am OVER it. I put them in everyday and it sucks. it sucks!! I see the pain he is in. I've seen it in his eyes since he was born. a strong boy of course, a happy boy of course, but things have been hard for him. I know his eyes. I see his eyes watering constantly, he is miserable and i miss seeing his face.

 

I know surgery is looming. I keep thinking about that suture in his tongue that will be attached to his cheek again and I can't handle it. I will be okay, but it is coming up...soon.

 

the diet: it gives me so much anxiety. I have a galley kitchen, therefore I can't see my children when I cook. I have no idea what they are getting into, wyatt has started climbing on top of everything and is WILD. so, as I get dinner prepared, I have to strap wyatt somewhere, he is screaming at me, lawton is asking me a ton of questions and looking at his new food like i am crazy and i am trying to figure out what in the hell to cook. i think about food 24/7 now. what can I cook for him? what doesn't have wheat in it? does he like coconut milk? is that making his belly upset too? he has to have his milk warm which kills the probiotic. I seriously might go insane.

 and he still has terrible diapers. I am at a loss

 

most days I don't get to eat lunch until 2:30 because someone is up and needs something, then I have ONE HOUR until someone wakes up and that is when i am doing laundry, unloading the dishwasher, preparing food, writing emails, etc. I never relax. ever. I haven't let myself have too many drinks because i am afraid someone will need me in the night. I worry about wyatt. is he comfortable? can he eat this? will he choke? if he falls, will his lip split open? is food stuck up in his palate? if we are out to dinner, will there be something for him to eat? if we are going somewhere, I always have to have something prepared for him to eat?

 

jack and I haven't been away for the night since.....God knows when. over half a year for sure.

 

I am so thankful for the fundraisers because I have just eagerly awaited them and been on a high the rest of the day after them. I love seeing my friends. working out ALWAYS makes me feel better. I just can't breathe today. I needed to get this out. I put a smile on my face and I go through the emotions and try to stay strong and positive about everything, but sometimes I need a good cry. I know I will pick myself up and be okay but everyone has these weeks, days, maybe even months.

mine is right now.