breakdown

time to vent.

time to write this down and hopefully look back and see how I survived and my children grew up respectful right?

 

I had a breakdown this week. a bawling, walk into speech therapy, sit down and cry to Wyatt's therapist breakdown. a cry in the car, walk out of preschool with tears, scream at my children breakdown.

 

my kids are HARD right now.

I am tired. my best days are when I am working....away. I hate saying it, but it is true.

 

here is the low-down on Lawton:

he turns 5 in February. his teachers LOVE him. he is sweet and kind hearted. he is sensitive and caring.

he is not these things to his brother 95% of the time and it kills me.

he takes everything away from wyatt. he shoves the table if wyatt sits in "his" seat and pouts.

he wakes up most nights screaming for me (we lock him in his room)...saying he is hungry, he needs to tell me something, he is scared....anything to get me to come in there. then he asks me to lay with him (at 2 or 3am), then is he is up at 5:30 everyday ready to go.

I got him an alarm and said he couldn't call me until it went off at 7. that he was supposed to go back to sleep if he saw a 5. at 6, he can get up and play. it works....that is IF he doesn't wake up in the night.

I get frustrated at waking up and going in there to calm him down. I am exhausted from it all. I just want the poor kid to sleep easily. so, last night, we didn't lock him in and he scared the shit out of me at 3am when I turned over and he was standing by my bed. then, he woke me at 6 to leave the room. I am NOT getting enough sleep.

he fights me when i say to get dressed. 5 more minutes, 2 more minutes....JUST GET DRESSED!!!!

he orders wyatt around

when he cries, he is the LOUDEST crier you have ever heard.

but he is my boy. he is good. he listens.

 

 

here is the low-down on wyatt:

the SCREAMING......the blood curling screaming that I have talked about many many times is killing me.

he screams at Lawton 95% of the time because he is doing something to provoke wyatt. I constantly get down on his level tell him to tell Lawton no, etc, but the screaming he does is the way he thinks he gets his point across.

the screaming happens other places too - when I try and wash hands at school, when we are at the grocery store, when I try and bathe him, when he wants something and I am in the middle of doing something else for someone else and he just lets me have it.

it is so hard.

he doesn't listen AT ALL. basically flips me the bird. I have to yell at him to make him even turn my way. I have to run after him because he runs away...all the time.

the kid is fast....you turn for a second and he is gone. that is stressful and not fair to Lawton. I am constantly on high alert for wyatt, therefore leaving Lawton to fend for himself, knowing he won't go far but not paying attention to him like I would like to.

otherwise, he sleeps through the night, he and I have great days together when it is just the two of us, and he is a happy kid generally....

but most of the time, I don't want to take him places. jacks mom said she didn't take jack anywhere until he was 3 because he was so bad. I feel the same and I hate it.

it makes me feel guilty...terribly guilty.

there is a Christmas lighting? hell no we won't go....because of wyatt. we tried the planes and it was not fun. I took him to discovery place alone and that was fun.

 

his therapist told me and has told me over and over....ignore them. go to my happy place.

well where is that???

if I go to my room, they scream at my door. I can hardly go to the bathroom alone.

yesterday morning, I came downstairs and when the fighting began, I put on my headphones and turned the music up loud and ignored them.

I heard the screams and even ignored wyatt at my leg screaming at me to do something. I let them work it out and I went to my happy place.

it was a better morning.

 

it depressed me though.

I hate yelling at my kids.... and damn, I have yelled this week. loudly and meanly.

the guilt is KILLING me.

people say, enjoy this time, that it goes by so quickly....is it bad that I want it to hurry up and go? I want kids sleeping through the night. i want boys who like playing together. i want wyatt to learn to express himself without screaming. i want to enjoy this time. I want to enjoy my children.

 

i know i am not alone. I have great girlfriends who go through similar things.....i am thankful for their hugs just to hear so and so does this too , so i am not alone.

but the guilt. I don't want it. I want to be the best parent that I can be.

I want my boys to respect me and love me like no other.

I want my boys to grow up thinking I was a great mother.

I hope to God, i am doing the right things. disciplining them the right way. I pray that they will one day be best friends....

I also pray I survive each day with 2 boys and find at least one thing that was fun and made me smile about the day....that is all that matters right? that they laugh and like me and each other for at least 5 minutes right?

sighhhhh......

the TERRIBLE twos

WYATT. IS. TWO.

TERRIBLE TWO.

ohhh man. don't let this cute smiley face deceive you.

I have been having the HARDEST time with this child.

most of the time I am used to his bad behavior around me, but lately it has driven me to tears.

the screaming at his brother (who provokes him 75% of the time), the crying in the morning, the frustrating communication we share, the washing in the shower with constant screams, and the ears that don't seem to work are really getting to me.

 

this past weekend, we took the kids to see the air show. I wanted to do something as a family. we haven't taken wyatt many places because he is a loose cannon and to be perfectly honest, it's not fun to take him many places. he will run away in a SPLIT second without a care in the world. e

but, we gave it a try.

I will never do it again. well, until he is 5 maybe.

he RUNS the moment he is out of the stroller. he won't hold your hand or let you hold him. he won't sit still. he is cray cray. and if you try and stop him, he SCREAMS. bloody murder.

you might think you know "that scream" but you don't. dogs come running it is so high pitched :)

he had a great time and I am glad we went early because the crowd wasn't so large yet....but you had to constantly have an eye on him.

 

all honesty here : there have been times that I want to lock myself in my room.

so, I lock him in his. (his therapist said it is okay!) I make him work it out himself. scream it out. once he is done, I ask him if he is ready to come down and he says he is. I used to do the same for Lawton and it worked.

wyatt is different though. amazing that you can produce children that are SO different right!??!

Lawton listens, is kind and caring. wyatt acts like his ears don't work at all, and basically flips me the bird. I am running after him everywhere I go. I also have to watch him like a hawk, or he will try something dangerous. nothing like Lawton. don't get me wrong, this little 2 year old has me in the palm of his hand with his cuteness and on days Lawton is in school and wyatt isn't, we have the BEST time. put these two together and it is hell most of the time. I know they will be friends one day, but when???

 

I know this post may make him sound a bit crazy....and he is, but he is normal. Lawton is the one who isn't normal. this is the typical twos I heard about, but never really got with Lawton.

lord help me!things WILL get better...right?!?! ;)

until then, I hope I don't go deaf over here at my house ;(



monroe warbirds air show: veterans day

if you know me well, you know that I LOVE history.

especially about the wars.

I read about them constantly and both of my grandfathers were in WWII.

my dad's father, Thomas Hawthorne was the leader of a gun crew on a naval ship that carried supplies to the forces as it made passages through Africa and europe.

 

 he has a journal and maps that I have read and re-read....love letters to his wife - it is so neat. he has the original SOS from being torpedoed that he sent as well.

my mom's father, Richard Peacock, was a pilot of an B-24 Liberator

 he is the second from the bottom right

 landed the plane with 2 flat tires?!?!

 

 I wish I could have talked to them  about what they went through...what is was like, were they scared, did they make "brothers" out of their friends....etc

I am very proud of them and proud to be the granddaughter of two very brave men.

 

 when my dad told me the warbirds were coming to Monroe this weekend for veterans day, I was all over it.

we went out a bit too early though. we got there at 10:30 and the show didn't start until 12:30...DOH!

the planes were out and there were soldiers dressed up and ready to educate!

 the planes were fascinating and the boys loved it

 seeing all the veterans in war uniforms and seeing parts of history was so neat....the tents they slept in, the bayonets they used to kill, the grenades we were able to hold, the mines...it was incredible.

 this plane is almost like to what my grandfather flew

 

BUT, it was hard to take the boys. EXHSUATING to take wyatt. more on that later, but this is typical. he runs away, doesn't listen to ANYTHING. it's more than frustrating and so exhausting.

this is jack giving the hellion or a word or two

 Lawton on the other hand was an angel like always, and was so thrilled to see the planes and the helicopters

 finally the air show began and the old planes took flight

 the helicopters shot machine guns to the ground, which was neat, but also sadly a reality for a lot of men and women. all I could think of were the troops over in Iraq and afganistan and how that sound is horrific to them. it makes you really appreciate the things these men and women are doing for us.

 this plane was so neat!! I thought he was going to crash several times and I might have let out a few screams ;) he did so many stunts - it was wild!

I will most definitely be going back next year....very cool and something to see for sure!

seeing the men in the old uniforms and hats saying "veteran" was very meaningful.

I wanted to go up to the older ones in wheelchairs and ask a bunch of questions...but prob not the best idea ;)

anyway, I am not sure if many people read this blog or not, but here are some books I highly recommend if you like to "re-learn" about the wars or just history...very cool books.

1. Unbroken (my all time fav. movie coming out soon) : laura hillenbrand

2. Winds of War : herman wouk

3. War and Remembrance : herman wouk

4. the storyteller  : Jodi picolt

5. once we were brothers : Ronald balson

6. gate of fire : steven pressfield

7. of course Lone Survivor

8. American sniper.

 

On Tuesday, we will celebrate those men and women who fought and continue to fight for our freedom.

Marathon Man

after Halloween, we headed off to my old stomping grounds...NEW YORK!

jack was running the marathon (the biggest in the world I learned) and our great friends the Culps, decided to come along and have a fun weekend with us!

 

I know, we just traveled, but these trips have both been planned for months and we haven't gone anywhere in 6 years - they just happened to be back to back.

hey, it didn't bother us! ;)

 

the weather was COLD and rainy when we got there Saturday morning. we ate and shopped and still had the best day. jack and royer went to the center to pick up all of his gear, while Katherine and I shopped some more ;)

 view from our hotel room

we stayed at the W in union square and had a drink before dinner.

yes, jack had a bourbon on the rocks....less than 24 hours before running 26.2 miles.

 the beautiful culps ;)

 we then went to dinner at EMPORIO and had the best time and a fantastic meal! and yes, jack drank 2 glasses of wine. he is a caveman. I don't know how he does it!

 the next morning, sunday, jack got up early and got ready and headed out to staten island. his start time was 10:30, but he had to be out there a few hours earlier. it actually was great that he started later - for all of us.

jack ran for his father, billy hall who has suffered from MS since he was in his late 20's. he is our hero and jack was so excited to raise money and do this for him.

 off he goes!! the weather that day was so windy and cold....BUT, beautiful

 since we had some time in the morning, we had signed up to try soul cycle which was just a few blocks from us. I do flywheel once a week and love it, so I knew this would be fun. I have seen it on Kelly and Michael and my good friend Kindra does it all the time.

 ummm....it was hard.

look at my face. we were soaking wet.

it was so much fun though but dang, you have to be coordinated - you stood and pedaled the whole time - maybe sat on the bike for 5 minutes out of the 45 and had to basically dance on it....I thought I was coordinated, but I was proven wrong.

the teacher was a itty thing and suuuuper ripped. the music was loud and fun and we had a good time and felt better that we had worked out too -

 once we were done, we headed back and got ready and went out to Brooklyn to catch jack.

royer was the bomb getting us around. I haven't lived there in 7 years, so to say I am rusty is an understatement. he knew everything and we got to see jack 3x perfectly because of him!

 

we told him to always stay on the left so we could find him.

he would be wearing a bright orange hat.

wellllllll, so was everyone and their mother. a sponser that year was dunkin donuts and all the caps given out were orange!

BUT, he had the MS jersey and his guns ;) so we found him easily

 

the first turn, we were screaming and he finally caught us after he passed us and retuned for a kiss ;)

 after that, we headed back into the city and caught him at 62nd/1st. (no pics of that)

then headed toward central park to mile 26

 each time we saw him, we were up at the front - we were so lucky!!!

here he is at mile 26 - only .2 left!

he was looking so strong and Katherine and I shed a tear or two. it was very inspirational

still not on my bucket list, but so fun watching all these runners from all over the world do this. 50,000 people!

 

he finished in 4:08 - his best time yet!! he was aiming for 4:15 - now, this man did NOT train.

the last time he ran was oct 18 and the most he ran was 14 miles.

again, a caveman.

 by this time, we were cold and our feet hurt, so we did all our complaining to each other (well, katherine and I did ;))before we saw jack ;)

it was a few hours before he joined us at the time warner center because he had to walk 3 miles out of the park after the race.

we had celebratory beers/champagne and made our way back to the hotel

 view from the bar

 happy man!!

jack raised over $6400 for MS - thank you all so much for donating and helping a cause very dear to our hearts!

 

we then headed to dinner at FREEMANS - another delicious restaurant

 jack was walking a bit slow and so was I.....I don't wear heels often and 2 nights in a row is a record for me! I am sure people thought I ran the marathon too by the way I was walking ;0

 

Monday we slept in and headed out for a little shopping and to see my old roommate and soul mate ;) kindra and her husband ngo.

she has lived in nyc for around 15 years and has been managing Peak Performance for over 10. she is amazing at her job and ngo, well, just got to his website and see for yourself.

2 very smart, successful and WONDERFUL people.

I feel so lucky that we lived together for years in nyc - she is truly like a sister to me. I love her like family!

 I then had lunch with Katherine and headed to the airport. jack was staying until Tuesday and Katherine and royer had a later flight.

I ran into one of my buddies from the Y at the gate! heather works for delta and flies all over the world! this is when she was just coming in from paris ;)

so fun to see her!

 this was hands down one of the best weekends I have ever had. ever.

so. much. fun.

a weekend that is good for the soul. seeing friends and being with friends that make your heart happy and make you realize how lucky you are.

watching my husband run for his father. with 50,000 others running for their mothers, family members, friends. it was inspiring.

and being in the city that was such a huge part of me growing into the woman I am today. it made my career to be there. it made me survive. it made me strong. it made me appreciate home. it made me friends for life.

nyc will always be a part of me.

who knew years later I would be back with new best friends that happened to live there after I moved away?

gotta love life!

halloween 2014

Halloween was so much fun this year!

the boys really got into it - we started practicing how to trick or treat weeks before the big day ;)

Lawton was a pro already, but he liked telling wyatt how to do things. let's be honest, he likes telling wyatt how to do most everything. bossy much?

 

 ninja turtles are still the big hit over here - Lawton was Leonardo

 and wyatt was the cutest fireman on the block! he LOVES firetrucks and this costume was too cute to resist.

 we had a neighborhood pizza party before the trick or treating started and wyatt had all the older girls in the palm of his hand ;)

 then on to trick or treating! wyatt walked the whole way and went up to every door

the weather was perfect and we beat the big storm by 30 minutes! we LOVE living in our new neighborhood and look forward to many more memories with them! it was a great Halloween!