breakdown

time to vent.

time to write this down and hopefully look back and see how I survived and my children grew up respectful right?

 

I had a breakdown this week. a bawling, walk into speech therapy, sit down and cry to Wyatt's therapist breakdown. a cry in the car, walk out of preschool with tears, scream at my children breakdown.

 

my kids are HARD right now.

I am tired. my best days are when I am working....away. I hate saying it, but it is true.

 

here is the low-down on Lawton:

he turns 5 in February. his teachers LOVE him. he is sweet and kind hearted. he is sensitive and caring.

he is not these things to his brother 95% of the time and it kills me.

he takes everything away from wyatt. he shoves the table if wyatt sits in "his" seat and pouts.

he wakes up most nights screaming for me (we lock him in his room)...saying he is hungry, he needs to tell me something, he is scared....anything to get me to come in there. then he asks me to lay with him (at 2 or 3am), then is he is up at 5:30 everyday ready to go.

I got him an alarm and said he couldn't call me until it went off at 7. that he was supposed to go back to sleep if he saw a 5. at 6, he can get up and play. it works....that is IF he doesn't wake up in the night.

I get frustrated at waking up and going in there to calm him down. I am exhausted from it all. I just want the poor kid to sleep easily. so, last night, we didn't lock him in and he scared the shit out of me at 3am when I turned over and he was standing by my bed. then, he woke me at 6 to leave the room. I am NOT getting enough sleep.

he fights me when i say to get dressed. 5 more minutes, 2 more minutes....JUST GET DRESSED!!!!

he orders wyatt around

when he cries, he is the LOUDEST crier you have ever heard.

but he is my boy. he is good. he listens.

 

 

here is the low-down on wyatt:

the SCREAMING......the blood curling screaming that I have talked about many many times is killing me.

he screams at Lawton 95% of the time because he is doing something to provoke wyatt. I constantly get down on his level tell him to tell Lawton no, etc, but the screaming he does is the way he thinks he gets his point across.

the screaming happens other places too - when I try and wash hands at school, when we are at the grocery store, when I try and bathe him, when he wants something and I am in the middle of doing something else for someone else and he just lets me have it.

it is so hard.

he doesn't listen AT ALL. basically flips me the bird. I have to yell at him to make him even turn my way. I have to run after him because he runs away...all the time.

the kid is fast....you turn for a second and he is gone. that is stressful and not fair to Lawton. I am constantly on high alert for wyatt, therefore leaving Lawton to fend for himself, knowing he won't go far but not paying attention to him like I would like to.

otherwise, he sleeps through the night, he and I have great days together when it is just the two of us, and he is a happy kid generally....

but most of the time, I don't want to take him places. jacks mom said she didn't take jack anywhere until he was 3 because he was so bad. I feel the same and I hate it.

it makes me feel guilty...terribly guilty.

there is a Christmas lighting? hell no we won't go....because of wyatt. we tried the planes and it was not fun. I took him to discovery place alone and that was fun.

 

his therapist told me and has told me over and over....ignore them. go to my happy place.

well where is that???

if I go to my room, they scream at my door. I can hardly go to the bathroom alone.

yesterday morning, I came downstairs and when the fighting began, I put on my headphones and turned the music up loud and ignored them.

I heard the screams and even ignored wyatt at my leg screaming at me to do something. I let them work it out and I went to my happy place.

it was a better morning.

 

it depressed me though.

I hate yelling at my kids.... and damn, I have yelled this week. loudly and meanly.

the guilt is KILLING me.

people say, enjoy this time, that it goes by so quickly....is it bad that I want it to hurry up and go? I want kids sleeping through the night. i want boys who like playing together. i want wyatt to learn to express himself without screaming. i want to enjoy this time. I want to enjoy my children.

 

i know i am not alone. I have great girlfriends who go through similar things.....i am thankful for their hugs just to hear so and so does this too , so i am not alone.

but the guilt. I don't want it. I want to be the best parent that I can be.

I want my boys to respect me and love me like no other.

I want my boys to grow up thinking I was a great mother.

I hope to God, i am doing the right things. disciplining them the right way. I pray that they will one day be best friends....

I also pray I survive each day with 2 boys and find at least one thing that was fun and made me smile about the day....that is all that matters right? that they laugh and like me and each other for at least 5 minutes right?

sighhhhh......