a brick on my chest

last week I felt like I was drowning.

i felt like i had a brick on my chest that i couldn't get off.

pressure.

pressure about Wyatt's scar. about being his mom and deciding what is best for him.

jack leaves a lot of things up to me, says he trusts me, he listens and then when the decision is tough, he says i know best and that is hard...because i want someone to tell me what to do.

 

we had Wyatt's allergy appointment last Wednesday with someone dr. Matthews recommended.

jack took wyatt to the last appointment because i had to work, so i didn't know what we were in for. i thought we were going for him to get pricked, find out the answer and go from there.

that wasn't the case.

dr. Matthews is very holistic and has done this "acupressure" thing to me in the office before, but to be honest, i wasn't paying much attention because i thought it was so weird.

now that we have taken away gluten and he has been dairy free and the scar still isn't where is should be, he wanted us to get his allergies tested because there is something in his diet that isn't working well with his body. i was so excited to be honest, i couldn't wait to see what it was so that i could take it away and see what happens.

 

so, we drove to mint hill (25 min away) and wait for 40 minutes....in a small building attached to a house. i had to call and see if i was in the right place...not your typical drs office.

 speaking of waiting, i am so SICK of waiting with a one year old. it is tough to not let him get into things, etc. can i get a amen!

anyway, once we started, i found out that we would be using acupressure to "expire" all the allergens in his body. all through me.

we would need to come back about 19 times, every week mostly and get "rid" of his allergies.

say what??

i laid on a table (wyatt FREAKED. thought she was killing me) and i had to have one hand on him so that we were skin to skin and basically, i was a umbilical cord to him....she applied pressure to my arm and made me resist in different places. and she would say, feel that? you resisted more there!

again, say what????

after an hour i was just so ready to leave.

she said we would still do a blood test in 2-3 months, when his veins were better. that way it would give us a better idea on what he is really allergic to. WELL DUH!

 

i left defeated.

but more aware. more aware and awake to different ways about going to find answers.

dr. Matthews believes in this NAET system, shouldn't i?

but why do i feel like this stuff is crazy?

i cried. i just want what is best for wyatt. but $50 a week and a drive to mint hill is tough. tough on our schedule, tough for Lawton, my other child. tough because i don't believe yet.

she gave me a book to read about it and we were off.

i was up half the night thinking about what i should do? we will make it work if it is what he needs. but my gut felt uneasy. well, again, God knows whats up.

 

the next night i had signed up for a class through the Whole Tulip on how to feed your children healthy choices.

it was a AWESOME discussion. most of their kids are dairy free and some mothers in the room were also a gluten free house. so nice to know others that have ideas to share, etc.

anyway, we were in the office of a woman, Dr. Shelia Kilbane who actually does allergy testing for children and rates them 1-3, 3 being the most allergic. i then knew i was here for a reason. i felt better learning about the different foods i could eliminate in our diet and add from Carolyn and adri and then after the class, i ran up to dr. kilbane and picked her brain. i knew she had to know dr. Matthews, which she did, he actually gave her the push to go into this field of business. i expressed my thoughts on the day before, teared up again and she told me my gut is the best feeling to follow. that i can't do everything for everyone. that i need to just do my best. that not everything is up to US.

she is great friends with my pediatrician as well and i knew i was around all the right people for wyatt. my boys are at different pediatrics....not many people do that, but i am trying my hardest to do the best for both. so, i felt a HUGE relief.

 

Friday morning, we had a post op appointment with dr. Matthews.

see what i am saying about everything lining up?

i was able to express my emotions and thoughts about the 2 days prior and he gave me a hug, and told me that was fine that i wasn't ready for the NAET approach. he has found that some of his patients have tried everything with terrible allergies and this is the only way they rid of them. this was the only way he rid of his. he studied it. took a class on it because he thought it was bogus and now he believes.

so, i will read the book and wait. wait until i am ready. we can always help the scar.

 

now, onto speech. another block on my chest.

the speech therapist he recommended isn't covered by our insurance. so, assessment would be $200 and then $80/week. wowza. not in our budget.

several friends talked to me about going through the state. it's "somewhat" free.

they are coming out dec 2 to see his environment, how he plays, where he eats, sleeps and lives. December 12th, they will come out and do an assessment of him. and we go from there.

so, i am trying that and then will go to the therapist dr Matthews recommended if we are assigned a therapist that i don't think works for wyatt. my only concern to them was that i wanted a therapist that has worked with clefts before. if they couldn't work that out, we needed to move on.

so, we will see.

again, all this pressure was hard. i guess i put it on myself? pressure to get the best therapist. to get rid of the allergies so his scar looks the best it can.

this was a lot of weight to take on.

 

i hope to look back at this post one day and see how far he has come and how far i have come too.

i am always learning with wyatt. it is pretty neat if i do say so.

 

again, it's out of my hands. i am doing the damned best that i can.

i love how last week was lined up. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

i then knew, someone up there has a bigger plan.

 

PS. if you ever want to be humbled, go sit in Dr, Matthews office. take a look around you.

the children in there come from all walks of life. i LOVE that i am a part of them. i love that we are "different" which i take as special. you go around and talk to parents because we wait for a while. what does your kid have? what were they born with? what surgery did they have?

we walked in Friday and were greeted by the cutest African American boy. he had webbed fingers. so, it looked like 3 total. he had a trach. he had protruding eyes on the sides of his face and he was also born with a cleft palate. and he was so DAMN CUTE.

he loved wyatt. he came up and put his head on my lap and just stared at Wyatt. he would motion for wyatt to come follow him with those adorable webbed fingers. he lived with his grandmother. he has brothers and sisters, but they don't live together. she takes care of him. i can imagine the scare the mother felt when she found out. but that is the beauty of children, they are the light in the day, they are the brightness of night.

remember that when you see someone "different"...teach your children to love anyone and anything.

xoxo

 



my heart is full

this weekend was wonderful.

my best friend erin, had her third little girl 2 weeks ago and after seeing her picture right after she was born, I couldn't get to Raleigh fast enough!

I planned to see erin and her girls, then spend the night with another best friend and see my goddaughter. I was so excited!!

of course, we all wrote the date down in pencil and crossed our fingers that no one got sick.

luck was on our side!

I headed up to Raleigh Saturday and spent the afternoon with erin, Jason, Hudson, Henley and tatum.

 sweet tatum! not even 2 weeks old. you forget how tiny they are!

 Hudson, her oldest

 Henley her middle girl ;)

 

erin was my matron of honor and has been my longest best friend. she knows everything about me and still likes me ;) seeing her and the girls and her wonderful husband Jason was so nice....it felt like home you know?

 

same with laura, laura and I lived together in college and she is one of my closest friends. I met jack at her wedding. her husband and mine grew up together and are best friends...and we are godparents to their daughter ryan....it was SO nice to catch up and actually play and hang out with cooper and ryan without the distraction of my kids.....I am telling you, my heart was FULL

beautiful ry ry with her twine and twig necklace ;) ry ry and I were like two peas in a pod. she was playing with my hair,. wanted to sleep with me, we are best buds now. spending that quality time with all the girls and cooper that day, was just perfect. AND, jack had a great time with the boys. he hasn't kept them by himself in a year, so it was time. they bonded, I bonded AND we were all so happy to see each other when I got home. now I know, whenever I need a break, I am coming to Raleigh to get a dose of my friends. forget the spa, that was JUST what my heart needed ;)

family night

sunday night we had dinner over at my parents house-my brother got "stuck" in town trying to get his visa worked out, so we have had him for an extra week!

mom wanted to try and get some family pics for her Christmas card, but of course, it didn't work....

no one was able to take one of all of us, mom wasn't even dressed, no one was feeling it, you know how it goes.

here are some outtakes ;)

 I am surrounded by awesome men - and can't forget my wonderful father in law, brother in law and nephew!

 funcle trent....or shall we say "the ole chap" ;)

 Lawton wanted to be the only one on trent and wyatt could have cared less about anyone holding him now that he is a walker

 the only ones not wearing plaid - all the boys ended up wearing plaid and mom saw that and ran back in her room and pulled out some ll.bean shirt from the 90's and came out and was for real about taking a picture like that - I about peed my pants....then told her to change ;)

 my boy

 Lawton's "school picture" face

our attempt at a family Christmas card. okay, except for the fact that I am holding on to Wyatt's crotch for dear life. sometimes its the only way he stays upright! he is a MESS lately. always wanting down and destroying everything in sight. this years card is going to be a hard one!

#cleftproblems

this damn tape

these damn tubes

 

have I said I am OVER IT??

 

it is SO hard to keep these things in with wyatt now.

he sneezes them out. he PULLS them out. his classmates pull at them, and I am scared to let him sleep in them because I am afraid he will eat them and choke.

so, on to sewing up the pj's at the arms.

and what the hell do I do about this in the daytime??

ugh. #cleftproblems

 

AND to top it off, the speech therapist that Dr. Matthews recommended isn't covered in our network. the only one that is is in Winston Salem. well, I can't drive to Winston every week for 5 years and we can't afford to pay someone $80/week for 5 years.

on to fight the good fight people.

I hate this. why can't things be easy?

now I am calling the state and hoping they will come do an assessment (free) and give him speech (free) but just hoping this all works the way it is supposed to and the state thinks he is covered by them.

wish me luck.

 

Marathon Man

2 weeks ago (really??!!?) we flew to DC to watch Jack, Ian and Mac run the in the Marine Corps Marathon. 

first weekend away with friends without kids in well over a year and a half. to say that i was excited was an understatement.

Jack ran the marathon for Smile Train and raised over $7,000....i was so proud and he is a wonderful example for our boys. I hope he runs every year in honor of this wonderful foundation and our boys do the same.

 we were to fly out on saturday and i prayed and prayed everynight (no lie) that my boys wouldn't get sick. well, they didn't, but i sure as hell woke up saturday morning with a terrible sinus infection/cold. have you ever flown with that?? no fun. PLUS, our flight was cancelled. we spent the better half of saturday in the airport and finally arrived in DC almost 6 hours later than originally planned, but, we were there!

 Elizabeth, Libby and myself all wearing Elizabeth and Jaquelyn's line Twine and Twig!

on sunday, the race started at 7:55 and the girls walked right out of the hotel to mile 5. it was awesome.

 mac and ian were killing it with a 6:something mile! they are beasts!

 then more and more people started coming and there was jack after napoleon! 

this outfit was great because i knew once napoleon came through, jack was behind him somewhere.

 i got a kiss and a quick "happy anniversary" from him and he was off! (it was our 6 year anniversary that day)

ps- check out the guns! ;))

 this was at the bottom of that hill at mile 5 and there was a band, people were fist pumping and cheering, it was so neat to see! 

 how this guy ran in that and with a flag is beyond me. he did it the whole way. i remember seeing him at the finish the same way. incredible! 

we ran to mile 9 and caught ian and mac just in time!

 then comes jack!

 marines handing out water and cheering 

 marine band....

it was a very cool marathon to watch. i felt very proud that my husband was a part of something like this. it made you proud to be an American. so many war veterans were running, some like this man below without a leg doing a damn incredible job. 

 we made our way to the finish line and waited patiently for our husbands. we had an awesome spot about 20 ft from the finish line on the front row.

 mac came in first! he ended up being number 700something out of 40,000. beast i tell you!

 this kind of camaraderie made you tear up. this man was struggling a bit and the guy just bent down and pushed him the rest of the way.

 then came ian not far behind mac! 

 these guys were amazing

 so, elizabeth and libby went to go see ian and mac while i waited for jack. i knew he would be there around the 4:15 time, so i waited, made friends around me, cheered and felt like my eyeballs were at a tennis match looking for jack. i never once looked at my phone, and never took my eyes off the runners. i had been waiting all day for this moment!

i get a text from jack:

ya'll at the finish line?

i say, yes!!! right by it! i am in neon and waiting for you- on your left!"

then he says "i am taking my picture, where are you?

well, i lost it. 

bawling.

everyone (my new friends) were like, is he coming soon? i just cried and said i missed him and made my way through the crowd.

i can't tell you how disappointed i was. how could i have missed him? i never took my eyes away from the runners??

i didn't stop crying until i saw him and he was so happy. i was so proud and just let it go.

 he did such a great job esp since the kid didn't train. 

we tried to get home and thank god found a rickshaw. so, this was our wonderful view on the way back to meet the others for drinks after these guys ran their a$$es off.

we made this guy ride his a$$ off to get us back ;)

jack has already applied to get in next year! see you then DC!

super hero fun ;)

happy Halloween!

this year was i swear one of the first years that the or one of the boys wasn't sick....this time of year is always touch and go!

it was a pretty day and the weather was perfect to go trick or treating

 btw, that is a batman, not a peace sign ;)

 the flash was gearing up his super hero roar

 batman and wonder woman were ready to trick or treat as soon as school was over that day

 catwoman and the flash

 superman pulling the boys to our neighborhood trunk or treat

 now let me explain this. i bought the costume about a month ago. of course he wouldn't wear the mask and damned if the kid grew!! The Flash or Flashdance?? whatever because it was a trip watching him walk around like this ;)

 sweet brothers

 T for Tennessee (jack has done this ever since we were married) and our batman

and the BEST past of it all???

Trent came home from London!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lawton INSISTED that he be batman too and only trick or treat with trent to the doors. 

trent has been in london 6 weeks and came home for a friends wedding that he is in. he is here until the 8th and we were all so excited to see and hug him!

fun night with the family ;))

not so fun late night with boys boys up a few times jacked from all the excitement. 

i ended up keeping them home friday because i was too tired to get dressed and get lawton to school! that happens about twice a year and it was a nice, lazy friday morning. 

lawton has already told me the costumes are on sale now and he would like, this, this , this and this. 

santa, are you listening?? because this crew has moved on and is ready for the next thing. jeez!