sometimes trusting is hard.
this morning, i fed wyatt at 6:30. at 8, i decided to lay him in his crib, on his side, and get some things done in the room next to him.
i checked on him and he was choking.
i picked him up, he had a red face, watery eyes, pursed lips, and arched back and not able to take a breath or make a sound.
the reason i am writing this is for my records and it makes me feel better to write.
i ran into my room, got the suction and started to suction out of his nose, whatever i could do to help my baby.
i screamed for jack and we both were patting him trying to get him to breathe. finally, a faint cry and then a real one.
i fell to the bed bawling.
how can i do this?? am i ever going to let him out of my sight?
i called my mom and she told me to read my Jesus calling. I need to TRUST in Him and know that i am never alone. He loves this little boy. i can't be with him 24/7. i am doing the best that i can.
here are some points from today in the book:
there is no place so desolate that you cannot find me there. no set circumstances could ever isolate you from my loving presence. not only do i see you always; i see you as a redeemed saint, gloriously radiant in my righteousness.
when you become a mother, you live for your kids. you never want to see them in pain or suffering. this is going to be a long journey. so, now you see why i haven't left the house much, why i am scared to drive with him in the back seat facing away from me. why i don't seem to let him out of my arms, why he sleeps in a co-sleeper. i am doing the best i can.
i need to TRUST.
Hang in there! We could all benefit from this reminder some days. I go through this same thing with my 2 boys and they're 6 and 10, so it's for different reasons, but you're right in that, as a mom we never stop worrying about them. But we do need to remember that God loves them even more than we do and he is always with all of us. It's so hard, but we try a little harder all the time..... You'll get there. it's good that you are writing this down because I'll bet a year from now you'll read this and realize how FAR you've (and Wyatt) come! You have 2 beautiful boys and you are in the "boot camp" stage right now with Wyatt, so just hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteAnd you are doing a FANTASTIC job!! Big hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a couple months now. As and outsider that doesn't know you, it is truly amazing to see how god has touched your life. People come to trust and believe in god in various forms and it seems that your precious baby has brought you to believe in Jesus and given you eternal life with Jesus. I recently my first baby 5 months ago and struggle with anxiety over something terrible happeneing to her. I believe god lead me to your blog to see how your relying on Jesus and trusting him when you don't know what to do. The first thought that came to my mind when reading this post was that god lead you to save you baby choking, he will always put you in the right place at the right time.
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