i am in awe.
in awe of my son wyatt. i truly don't know how he does it.
i don't know how he swallows, how he puts up with the burn in his nose and throat. how he coughs and gets choked up on his saliva. how he damn swallows milk with me shooting it down his throat.
he is a trooper and stronger than i will ever be.
i broke down this morning.
i am tired.
all i want to do is make him comfortable. this week jack and i were woken up 3 times out of a deep sleep to a terrible sound. a sound that no parent wants to hear. we shoot up, flip him forward and slam our hand on his back and suction the spit out that he is choking on. red face, can't breathe, choking. it happened 2 too many times this week. i don't get weak in the knees anymore, i just do it. his small sounds, the gasping, the chokes that scare others don't bother me - i know he is okay...but these, these are different. these are scary.
how does he do it?
i just want him to be comfortable. i want my son to feel okay. it breaks my heart...i pump all day to make him comfortable. to get good antibodies to make him strong. after i feed, i sit up with him for at least 20 minutes to make him comfortable. we don't go anywhere. our schedule is based around that. i can't get in the car after feeding right away because he will throw up and it will burn. can't do it. i can't leave him with just any babysitter...hell, i don't know when the hell he will sleep in his nursery alone.
i smile. i get through the day. most days are great and getting better don't get me wrong. i still look at him every night and ask him how he does it. is he okay? does it hurt? i want to know...but never will.
AND, let's be clear. i am NOT having a pity party for myself. i am documenting how i feel, right now. today. i want to look back at this and remember.
he hadn't been looking at me. anywhere but me. i worried. i think i talked to everyone about it that would listen. they told me to wait, he was young he would eventually.
but i didn't get the amnio people. i CHOSE not too.
low and behold, 4 days ago, i get the stares. i get some smiles looking into my eyes. THAT makes my year and everything SO much better.
i caught some faces on my phone and they are blurry but that wide open mouthed smile makes EVERYTHING better.
here is my beautiful, STRONG AS HELL baby boy. 8 weeks today.
it WILL get better. he WILL be comfortable one day.
TRUST BROOKE, TRUST!!
You are right, it WILL get better. It will get easier and look at how far you have already come! It's easy to get caught up in it because you live in the details every single day, but you have come a LONG way and you will continue to make these strides each and every week. You're doing a great job and Wyatt is a beautiful boy! These smiles are priceless and I know that to a tired mommy they're worth everything in the world!! Keep the faith -- you will both make it through this!!
ReplyDeleteBrooke thank you for sharing your story, your thoughts. I love reading about Wyatt and his progress and how Lawton is such a great older brother. You are incredibly strong and resilient. You have two beautiful boys over there! Love you and thank you for sharing with us
ReplyDeletexoxo
Found you via Designer Bags and Dirty Diapers. It takes courage to share your story - all the ups and downs. This too shall pass - although it is hard to know this when you are armpit deep. I am a sister to a sibling that was born with clef lip/clef palate. I understand the struggles and the triumphs; the risks and the wonderful rewards. As I have come to understand and appreciate over time and especially as a mother myself, the strong are chosen. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
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