Will you have a 3rd?

this is a question I get asked ALL THE TIME.

I ask it too, I admit. and I don't know why? conversation piece?

i also am guilty of saying "i don't know how you do it" to mothers of 2+ children. i now realize that it may not be very nice....but it is true! i think those mothers are amazing!! i wish that i had the patience and guts to have more!

the answer for us is no. I will not have any more children.

 

does it make me a bit sad? right now? yes. 1 year ago? no. i was too overwhelmed. i STILL get very overwhelmed.

do i feel complete? maybe? I'm not sure??

 

I think a lot of people ask me because I have 2 boys. well, don't you want a girl? not particularly....I just want a easy newborn. i also want to give birth again. i love giving birth and think it is the most rewarding moments in my life. i felt so strong, so capable of anything. i felt like superwoman. i long to feel that way again.

 

one of my very best friends has 2 boys and just welcomed a beautiful baby girl. i see her pictures and I feel the longing. longing for a newborn. one that is easy, doesn't have feeding problems, acid reflux and one that I am not scared to death of doing something wrong.

 

with Lawton, he was my first. I had no idea what i was doing. we were at the ER when he was 3 weeks old because I gave him medicine the wrong way. he threw up all the time after eating. I had no clue, but the kid probably had reflux. he had the stomach bug 4x before he turned 1. i freaked when he had a fever. he had breathing problems and it scared us. he slept in our room in the swing for months. I had a flashlight by my bed and woke up at the time to flash it on him to see if he was breathing.

he choked ALL. THE. TIME. I swiped that kids mouth so many times I can't count. he didn't have a grape that I didn't cut up until the was 3 I bet. I was scared to death.

 

then, everyone said my second would be easy.

 

that wasn't in my cards.

the feeding, the choking the reflux, the scariest times in my life was raising wyatt from birth to one year. scariest. time. of. my. life.

he slept with me, in between jack and i (in a queen bed at the time no less) for MONTHS. we woke numerous times to him choking.

obviously, I wouldn't change a thing because it made me a better mother. it made me strong as hell. it made me smart.

 

I want to use those smarts on another child. I want one that I can leave for a second and say, wow, what a wonderful baby....so easy!

 

but, i can't.

I can't go there. my heart can't take the anxiety of being pregnant again and the anxiety of the unknown. will anything go wrong? will I be able to handle it if it does?

the answer is no.

 

I also love working too....I like being "me" and I think if I had a 3rd, I wouldn't get that for a long time again. I took almost 2 years off of work to take care of wyatt, and some days I lost myself.

 

i also have 2 very rambunctious boys. i look at mothers who have 3 and envy the patience, the time they are able to give and again, the PATIENCE they have. i wish that was me. but, the mama is on some Lexapro and that is OK!!

 

 i am happy. i am full. i can still envy and coo over a friends or a strangers baby and have a twinge of longing, but i check myself right then and there and know that it isn't in our plan. and, i will move on.

i LOVE being a mother to 2 boys. never in my life did i think that i would be playing ninja turtles and letting my kids wear jerseys (the horror!) and loving it. i love not fixing hair. i love not caring much about what they wear. i love my life. so, no, i will not be
trying" for a girl ;)

 

i look back at the blog and see the trying times....the ones where i cry to friends and let out my issues in writing and i am thankful for days like these that make me write about my feelings and by the end of it, i am more thankful for what i have and not about what my mind tells me. i have had to learn to listen to more of my heart this past year than ever. the mind can play tricky games.

 

more power to you moms of 2+ kiddos! so cool!! and to the moms of one and two kids, tell people to stop asking us for more more more!!! why can't be be happy with what we have got right??